I Forgot to Take Out The...

You would think someone as OCD as I am would find a way to integrate this behaviour into the realm of etiquette. You know it's funny but I never used to remember to send out cards for any occasion. Only my immediate family would get them, and I always had to give one serious one and one funny. Heck I even like to keep grooming and wardrobe simple opting for a short haircut (my mom thinks it's too military) and single color fabrics. You can't imagine how much I loathe wearing a suit. The event or the person has to be very special for me to do it. I just would rather wear cargo shorts and a nice polo everyday.

Lately I have gotten into predictable patterns of conducting my daily life again (with only one area that is an exception). For example, on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I go to the convenience store right before work the guy already as the five things I want to buy waiting (a newspaper, bag of peanuts, Zero candy bar, 16 oz. Diet Mountain Dew, and a 1L bottle of Ozarka). He even remembers how I want to pay. Then there is the Monday, Wednesday, Friday lunch ritual of getting Wendy's. I eat only the meat/cheese on a triple, side Caesar salad, and large Diet Coke. I even take the same road and path to get to and from work. These are just a few of the patterns that might drive some people mad.

But today, I woke up and realized I had forgotten to get my Christmas cards out. I bought them two weeks ago. I even wrote about half of them (all except for the acquaintance ones) that night. But I didn't have the addresses for my professors and co-workers. So I got into the office today and after trying to figure out how to get into the SSB on Friday (the building is open but DOS is not) for my interviews, I sat down to finish my cards. Now they are just sitting here staring at me as I try to forget about the fact I was late with them. But there is still the constant gnawing thought - How could I be so absent-minded?

Christmas for the Soul

I spend a great deal of time in reflection especially around Christmas. It's funny, when I went to the Trail of Lights on Tuesday, Rebecca, Mario, and I got into a discussion about The Passion of the Christ. Not just about whether or not it was a good movie mind you. As I describe my experience to them, I vividly remember every moment of the pain and torture Jesus endured during the movie. It was an extraordinary vision of what happened in the last 12 hours before his crucifixion, and I remember I could almost feel Jesus' suffering. As I left the theatre, I remember thinking about all those who were less fortunate than me or worse off than me. I immediately wanted to go to Church.

The movie represented one of those symbols that reminds me that I need to do more to remain unselfish. I have always tried to do good and be a decent human being. Usually I am looking out for everyone else's needs. This of course means that I am not looking out for me most of the time because I never feel like I am doing enough for others. Consequently, I try bottle up any feelings or ideas about my happiness or success.

This works very well most of the time, but there are still a few moments when even I break. There are very few things I can say I want in my life - a wife, children, and a sense of completeness. Of course life doesn't come with an instruction manual only free will and faith. Because very few moments have ever come along when I feel I can have one of these things, I go after it with such intensity and feel it so completely it's as if my entire being is afire. Because of my introverted tendencies, passion and reason become out of balance.

This past week I expressed my feelings to someone (well in writing at least). But now I am reeling from guilt. While I believe and have faith that my feelings for her were true, my words more than likely came across as too intense. I haven't been able to shake the feeling that there was a better way. I do know where I will be spending my time this week asking for guidance and seeking penance.

The Gift of Giving

I went to Toys R' Us today to look around for board games. Mikey and Felicia wanted to get their son a haircut. I kept looking around and realized there were an extraordinary number of people there but very little good items. I forgot how much I don't like the experience of actually buying presents.

I don't get any personal space. Everyone puts out all that potpourri which almost makes me pass out (my senses are unusually strong especially smell). Nobody shows much courtesy. It is even harder because I really like to take my time selecting the right gift for my friends and family. Unfortunately, I am feeling a bit guilty this year that I won't be able get everyone a gift.

I really enjoy getting gifts for as many friends as I can. Not because I am trying to buy their friendship. I actually enjoy the feeling of giving and sharing. It was something instilled in me very early. Must be that Catholic upbringing (or guilt). I am using a lot of money to pay for incentives for my dissertation. It was the only way to encourage participation after a year of getting only one person. So I had to choose this time.

Besides my family, I was only able to get something for two people. The first of course was graduating with her Ph.D. and has been instrumental in exposing me to the city and improving my socialization skills. She and her boyfriend have been great friends to me as I would have probably been very lonely had I not met them. The second person was also graduating this time with a Master's degree. Without her, I don't think I would have focused on what needs to be done now, what I want to do after I graduate, and what is really important in life. She challenged me to do better and helped balance me when I got a little manic. I am going to miss her most of all.

Trail of Lights

A group of us was fortunate to go and see the "Trail of Lights" in Zilker Park on Tuesday. One of my friends was performing with the Scottish Highland Dancers. She was amazing for only having studied for a year (oh and for not even being a Scot). It was also briskly cold with a hot cocoa and cider for sale and the giant christmas light tree (big pole with lights angled off it like a tree). I also continued my childish ritual of spinning underneath the center of the tree until I was dizzy and falling down. I even managed to convince someone else (who is usually always in control) to cut loose if but for a few minutes. I think she enjoyed it because she said it was like feeling drunk. Finals time can be a stressful time when you're working and trying to write. It produces moments of honesty, stupidity, love, and childishness.