I spend a great deal of time in reflection especially around Christmas. It's funny, when I went to the Trail of Lights on Tuesday, Rebecca, Mario, and I got into a discussion about The Passion of the Christ. Not just about whether or not it was a good movie mind you. As I describe my experience to them, I vividly remember every moment of the pain and torture Jesus endured during the movie. It was an extraordinary vision of what happened in the last 12 hours before his crucifixion, and I remember I could almost feel Jesus' suffering. As I left the theatre, I remember thinking about all those who were less fortunate than me or worse off than me. I immediately wanted to go to Church.
The movie represented one of those symbols that reminds me that I need to do more to remain unselfish. I have always tried to do good and be a decent human being. Usually I am looking out for everyone else's needs. This of course means that I am not looking out for me most of the time because I never feel like I am doing enough for others. Consequently, I try bottle up any feelings or ideas about my happiness or success.
This works very well most of the time, but there are still a few moments when even I break. There are very few things I can say I want in my life - a wife, children, and a sense of completeness. Of course life doesn't come with an instruction manual only free will and faith. Because very few moments have ever come along when I feel I can have one of these things, I go after it with such intensity and feel it so completely it's as if my entire being is afire. Because of my introverted tendencies, passion and reason become out of balance.
This past week I expressed my feelings to someone (well in writing at least). But now I am reeling from guilt. While I believe and have faith that my feelings for her were true, my words more than likely came across as too intense. I haven't been able to shake the feeling that there was a better way. I do know where I will be spending my time this week asking for guidance and seeking penance.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment